Guide to the Chorus
In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass.
Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part,
prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also
various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo
soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists,
or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this
applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not
really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them
for now. Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very
different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make
people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has
not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians
tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go
with being tenors, French horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However,
this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be
easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.
THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they
think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and
swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if
they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any
given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least
half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then
complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and
conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other
sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are
to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize
with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the
altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and
they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first
place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have
around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that
sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors
because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a
low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the
stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth -
they sing too loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low,
low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the
F clef, anyway.
THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are
unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to.
Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to
complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know
that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the
altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away
on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps
and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos
are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too). Altos get a deep,
secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos
have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the
same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy
singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and
it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is
that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really
loud.
THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are
never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls
than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a
few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there
are, are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So
it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else
can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the
accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't
possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never
acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist
and making them sing so high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the
conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder
because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever
asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way
by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those
incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the
notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they
can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors
out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a
little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else
while singing.
THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything.
They are solid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody
else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep
conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed
by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact
that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note
(or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by
singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players
at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how
low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low
notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so
far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the
tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - except when they
have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are
simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all.
They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound
that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other
three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing
that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.
Top Ten Reasons For Being A... Soprano
10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
9) You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.
8) Can you name an opera where an alto actually got and kept the man?
7) When sopranos want to sing in the shower, they know the tune.
6) It's not like you are ever going to sing the Alto part by accident
5) Great costumes -- like the hat with the horns on it.
4) How many world famous Altos can you name?
3) CENSORED
2) When you get tired of singing the tune, you can sing the descant
1) You can sing along with Michael Jackson.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass
10) You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.
9) You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
8) Or a pre-adolescent boy.
7) Action heroes are always basses. That is -- if they ever sang, they would
sing bass.
6) You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop.
5) If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.
4) You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
3) If you get a cold, so what?
2) For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into
thinking there's an earthquake.
1) If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of
the score.
Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor
10) Tenors get high -- without drugs.
9) Name a musical where the Bass got the girl.
8) You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.
7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see the Three
Basses?
6) Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
5) Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement
section of the bookstore.
4) You get to sing along with John Denver singing "Aye Calypso".
3) When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs
for cartoon characters
2) Gregorian chant was practically invented for Tenors. Nobody invented a
genre for basses.
1) You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.
Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto
10) You get really good at singing E flat.
9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures.
8) You don't really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.
7) If the choir really sucks, it's unlikely the Altos will be blamed.
6) You have lots of time to chat during Soprano solos.
5) You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because
everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to
read music.
4) You can sometimes find part-time work singing Tenor.
3) Altos get all the great intervals.
2) When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of
an anthem, the altos always get the last words.
1) When the Altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.